Moments. Memories. Realization.

Right now I am overly surprised that I even want to blog.
I have been working diligently for about 3 days now on my Autobiography, which is needed for this beautiful application to the Panhandle Franciscans.

I really thought this application would be easier than the one for the Salesians, yeah I had a hard time, but I managed to get everything together rather quickly. This time its different. 
          I thought that I had put all the certificates, and things needed for the Salesian application, away, for the next time I applied to an order (see I internally knew there would be a next time). If I did do this, I must have found a wonderful hiding place because I can't find it anywhere. So I had to start from scratch on that, gathering my Communion and Confirmation certificates, birth certificate, etc. I have to wait until the first week of November before the church based certificates are able to be obtained, as the lady who is in charge of that is away on vacation. PATIENCE.
Then I thought I had the Autobiography already written, or at least most of it. I had a 5 page autobiography for the Salesians, that would have been a great starting point.
           But, No, that is not what God wanted. I believe he wanted me to start from scratch, act as if this is the ONLY religious community I have ever applied to, because it should be. So need less to say, I have started to write my Autobiography from the beginning, I am on page 8 so far and a Junior in high school.

Now onto some interesting realizations!
     While cleaning my room the other day I came across a key chain that I bought when I was 12. I thought that this key chain had been long gone. It is one that has St. Francis' quote "A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows."- i adopted this quote right away. This gets me to thinking, maybe God knew all along that I would become a Franciscan. I have always had compassion for every living thing, animals, trees, people alike, and I have always found creative ways to live the gospels in my everyday life, without ever quoting the bible (though Francis quoted the bible ALL the time). I AM A FRANCISCAN.

   
I guess this is all I can even fathom writing about. I have Autobiography on the brain. Please read tomorrow I will post more about the conversion I am experiencing right before my eyes!

ITS HERE!!

The APPLICATION HAS ARRIVED!!!


My day started off on a rocky start...bad mood, not feeling well--around 1pm I started feeling better and smiled. Just found out that the mail was delivered at that time


Talk about divine intervention!!

Convenient Conversion and Patience awaits

So I told you that I would write to you about this little tiny conversion that I experienced...well it could be interpreted as a conversion--to some it might not be one at all.

         I was riding in my friends car the other day. It actually happened to be SUNDAY. She was driving me home after I had spent the night over her house. We somehow got on the topic of me wanting to join a religious community. She was asking questions, that I would never have expected her to ask. Then I asked her a question: " When I recieve my habit, what will you think?", Will you be able to ride with me in a car, walk with me down the street?". She was silent for a second then she asked me how my God-daughter might feel, and how her boyfriend might feel...more silence. Then she started crying, I have never known her to be a particularly emotional person, so this surprised me--BUT NOT AS MUCH AS IT SURPRISED HER!Then she told me " I just pictured you walking down the street all in Black, and the tears just started coming". I smiled, and told her that I understood---my becoming a sister was coming closer to reality, and she was starting to realize it. Then she asked me "Why do you suppose I am crying? I have always been awkward around nuns that I see---like I try to avoid them, could this mean I am possessed, that I have some demonic influences?" I just sat there listening as she milled around her mind, for reasoning. Not only reasoning for the sudden tears that remained throughout the rest of our ride, but for reasoning of life in general. She turned to me and said "I NEED God in my life" I looked at her and smiled, she had told me this once before and had never acted upon the feeling. "No, really, I NEED God in my life, I think maybe I should go back to church" I nodded. Simply stating "Yes, going back to church would be wise decision, not just for you but for your girls." I went on to describe how her eldest daughter WANTS to go to mass, and that there is something in that statement. Her eldest is my God-daughter, I have taken her to mass with me a couple of times-she goes to a Catholic school so understands the importance and meaning behind it. My friend has since asked me if she could go to mass with me this coming Sunday---I told her OF COURSE...returning to something can be scary, and returning to God should be an experience filled with LOVE---which I willingly give!

I hope you have gotten something out of this experience...perhaps as much or more than I have. 

Now onto The Panhandle Franciscans::: No Application yet, checked with the USPS and they said it could take up to one calendar week (not including Sunday) for a letter to arrive from Amarillo, Tx to Baltimore...So thus the patience continues 

Just so ya know

Still haven't received the application...Practicing a whole new kind of Patience!


I had a phenomenal experience this morning...quite possibly a conversion of sorts. I am on my way out of the door for mass--but Promise return here this afternoon with more of the story. 


"God is LOVE and those who LIVE IN LOVE---LIVE IN GOD!" (John 4:16)- David Haas, song.







                          SMILE JESUS LOVES YOU!!

*SIGH*

As pre-told I am writing you after having been to Eucharistic Adoration and spending some quality time with Jesus. And I couldn't be happier. As soon as I entered I felt his presence and felt at peace. I prayed the rosary and then prayed for some recent lost causes that I have come in contact with. 
                        I felt guilty though because I could only really spend 30 minutes in his presence, as I had a pre-existing appointment :( but Jesus understands. For the remainder of my time with the Lord I meditated on the picture of THE SACRED HEART OF JESUS--one I often meditate upon

Doesn't this picture alone, make you want to fall instantly in Love? 


So when I returned home from my appointment--APPLICATION was the first thing that popped into my head, to my dismay the mail hasn't arrived yet, and really I don't expect to have it in my hands until Friday (SMM, if you are reading this...hmmm?). I took in a deep breathe and sighed! I have managed to gather most of the information needed for the application already, granted I am going off of what the Salesian's wished to include in their process. I still have to work on my biography, as it was saved on the hard-drive of my last computer that died not too long ago. Now I just have to rely on PATIENCE!
                        I started bawling soon after not seeing application...started thinking of my time in Panhandle (both times) and how I really truely do miss every second of time I have spent there, and how I wish I could have just stayed instead of returning to Baltimore. How after 2 visits Panhandle, Texas, and Sancta Maria Convent feel more like home than Baltimore....
Yeah all those feelings. The tears have since subsided, but there is still a yearning in my heart to be where God is calling me. All that's left to do is TRUST in God, and Trust in the postal service....oh 


and of course PRAY< LOVE> SMILE

Alive, Awake, Alert---enthusiastic

 So I know I am getting a little "Post" happy, but I want you all to know---the joy that I have found.


I am sad today. Everybody has days like this, so that shouldn't be a surprise. The reasoning behind my sadness is probably something that can be easily guessed. I woke up this morning chipper and ready to go, ready to start this wonderful day! BUT you see I, when first rising, thought that I was waking up in Panhandle...
I had one of the most beautiful dreams i can ever remember having. Yes, it involved Panhandle, and yes it involved The School Sisters. I don't remember the whole dream, so I won't even begin to relay it here and now.
Having had such a wondrous dream, and then waking up and realizing you aren't in the place you first thought, is quite disheartening, to say the least.
I am also sad because the people of Baltimore, make me sad, Child abuse lives around every corner, drug abuse layers on top of it. It's not that I have never seen these things before, au contraire, I have a close friend, in fact, who has fallen victim to drugs. Its not pretty, and definitely NOT happy. I also know that these things that I listed above, are not primarily Baltimore issues, which makes me even sadder--the state of the world :(

But all of those things aside. I am still joyful. I can't let my sadness seep into others.  Who knows, maybe the sadness will dissolve in an hour or so, working with beautiful children sometimes, does that...you know?

I will more than likely post later this evening---after I spend some quality time with Jesus at Eucharistic Adoration!

SMILE!  Mary guides you and Jesus Loves you!

Back in Baltimore...no es bueno

So, my time spent with the School Sisters of St. Francis- Panhandle, was one of extreme peace and beauty. I hadn't been back in Baltimore longer than an hour and I started missing life there. I have NEVER felt this way about any of the other 19 communities I have visited (talked with). It is LOVE.

I am in LOVE with the community
I am in LOVE with LOVE
I am in LOVE with Jesus!!

I talked with the vocations director the night before I left, asking a hypothetical question "If I were to -hypothetically- apply to enter, what would my probability of being accepted be?" This was such a hard conversation to have. After having been through 3 rejections, and so many years of trying to find the right fit---then having a place as far away as Texas turn out to be HOME? It was an overwhelming experience.
Sister stated that I would have to speak with Superior about this issue. WHAT?? I was so nervous talking about this in the first place then to have to have the conversation all over again with the superior? WHOA NOW. Luckily the vocations director asked me if maybe I wanted her to set up the conversation--I said "Yes Please, I would never be able to approach her myself"

The morning of my flight, which was yesterday, SMA the Regional Superior,  herself drove me to the airport. She has a gentle way of asking how I felt, in my heart of hearts...I was a little nervous, and lacking in words, as this feeling of deep devotion and LOVE is so new to me. Our conversation was beautiful and I can't help feeling all warm inside thinking about it. Then Sister stated "You know Crystal, I can't offer you an application, it is your job to ask for one", after which I inhaled then exhaled slowly "May... (another breathe) I have an application, Please?". Sister's reply was " Yes, you may, I'll have SMM (Vocations Director) send one out in the mail to you"----That was a big cloud lifted and I felt as if I were floating on air.

I know that the application doesn't automatically mean acceptance---but I am praying that all goes well, and that Jesus hasn't led me in the wrong direction.

I am sitting in Library class with my students now--my mind and being are here, but my heart and soul are in Panhandle. I have to remember to put my heart into everything in front of me at this very moment, and to BREATHE!

Sidenote: This morning one of my co-workers asked me what I was doing in Texas...I just smiled. Then she asked "Do you have a boyfriend there?", I answered and smiled " Something Like that!"


When I receive the application...you will be sure to know

Smile! Jesus Loves You!

No Sleep= Happy?

Last night we had Eucharistic Adoration. Nothing better than being with the Lord for 2 hours straight, having a beautiful soul filled conversation! It was quite an emotional experience. Working up the courage to ask for entrance is something that has taken alot out of me. I can't believe that I have come this close again to being intertwined with the Lord through a religious order.

IT IS FRIGHTENING!

I have been through so much these past 6 years of discernment, to feel that i am close again to where the Lord wants me--- makes me smile exuberantly happy!

Adoration ended at  11pm. I wanted to leave early, my eyes were heavy with tiredness, BUT something kept me there the whole 2 hours. I felt arms holding me down---as if to say "Stay with me, I LOVE YOU"


Have to go to Mass... More later!

So many ideas!

    The point of this blog was to bring to you my current situation--within the realm of discernment. If you all have followed me to this current blog, from previous blog about my Salesian Experience, then you know of my slight mind block. If you aren't aware of my previous blog...never knew it existed, I will now explain what happened (in the shortest amount of time possible).
 About 2 years ago I asked for an application to become a Salesian sister, now mind you previously the Vocations director stated she never gave applications to girls who she thought didn't have a religious vocation. I received the package and filled it out with fervor perhaps with more umpff than I had ever done anything in my life. I mailed it back on the feast day of St. Therese de Avila, expecting her ecstasy to rub off on it! In April, I went for my interview, but was not accepted.

    I felt like I had been stabbed in the stomache several times and felt like part of who I am got thrown out of the window. I have to admit, I lost faith for a few months....I know, I know, God never deserts you---but it felt as if I was abandoned.

Okay, Okay now lets fast forward 2 years.
I have since returned to the love of God- and fall more and more in love with him everyday. I know I say that I am discerning---but to tell the truth, I have known since I was little that I am God's Girl. 

As I am writing this current post I am at a come and see discernment retreat with the School Sisters of St. Francis- Panhandle. I was so overly excited to return here after having had a brief visit with them in August. I woke up like 3 hours earlier than I needed to. And when i arrived I was at totally surrender to the Lord, my heart opened up and I felt happier than I had ever before.
Each  minute makes me not want to be anywhere else...My mentor Fr. Jordan keeps telling me to ask for entrance---But how does one gain the courage>>>after having been through 2 small rejections and 1 disheartening one. Trust in Jesus. Trust in Mary. Trust and Prayers for the courage!  

SMILE!

A little bit of ecstacy never hurt anyone...

I am so ecstatic to be back to blogging. I love sharing what I am doing and the thoughts that most randomly pop into this brain of mine.

Yesterday I realized that I am doing too much. Not that I am complaining, I just want you all to know that if a few weeks goes by without so much as a word from me...well there is good reason behind it. Here are the few things I am doing---so excited for them all

• Helping to Re-establish the Youth Ministry Program at my Parish
• On the Confirmation Team
• Conducting C.L.O.W. (Children's liturgy of the word) at least once a month
• Was asked to become an altar server again, and I just might do it.
• Helping out with the Inspired Players Ensemble at Fells Point Corner Theatre
• Stage Managing "Death of A Salesman" at Vagabond Players
• "Tutoring" the new publicity guy for FPCT on the ways of Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace
• Assistant Drama instructor for 2 after-school programs
• Drama club at the school I work at 
• and possibly teaching a social studies block (yay US History) once a month 

So as you can see---I have my plate full at the moment, Loving every moment of it
>>>GOD KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!<<<

The Sun is no longer clouded...

Guess who's back to blogging?----that is when I have time. I am thinking I might be able to squeeze at least one blog in a week. But, we shall see.


For all I know I could be writing this blog just for the sheer enjoyment of hearing myself speak, on paper...er, computer. But maybe there are some phantom readers out there who just have to read about the life of ME.

I know that I haven't been a great blogger in the past, but something has stirred within me. I wanna let everyone read about this defining year to come!