Discern.... MEANT?

Let's take a look at the definition of DISCERNMENT, shall we?

Definition according to Webster's Dictionary:  The act or proces of exhibiting keen insight and good judgement.

Okay, What?

As I have been "discerning" religious life, or actually-- life in general, for about 10 years now, I am going to try to break this definition down. TRY being the optimal word.

When I think of discernment, I think of well...thinking. But not thinking about what is for dinner, or how something works...no, thinking about life. Truly trying to understand where we came from, and what our plan is for this life. Sound's simple, right? Unfortunately, discernment leads you down some very confusing paths.

The discernment of whether or not you are called to religious life is of no exception. Actually, some would even say it is the most confusing path of discernment one could take.
Let me digress. During my path I have spoken with via email or phone, about 35 different orders and congregations--this is actually rounding down. Out of those 35, I visited about 11. After visiting each of them, I came back to my discernment, with different charism's, apostolates, and prayer lives. Talk about confusing. How am I supposed to know which way of life is perfect for me? They are all so beautiful, and so unique.
Then you start to rule out different ways of life: Cloistered--beautiful and intriguing, but, um...I could never do that.
Active--- but how active, I don't want to join an order that seems to work but never has time for prayer.
okay--- new google search.
Now do I want to be a franciscan, dominican, felician, salesian, carmelite---That's a whole other path that we shall not dive into at this time.

Of course while you are getting frustrated with being confused about where God is calling, the possibility of married life pops back up. Honestly, if dating is a feasibility for you, try it--- you learn things about yourself, and about marriage, dating helps you discern. Believe it or not.

This just the start of a continiuos cycle, and mine has lasted 10 years, with still little to no knowledge of where God wishes me to live out my earthly existance
. HOW DO YOU REALLY KNOW?
You don't really ever know, you just have to trust that if this is of God--- then it will happen. Whatever path that may be.

The facts about discernment that I can leave you with are:
1. Pray, pray, pray. Take your thoughts to the Blessed Sacrament, and spend time in silence--try to listen to +God. This is hard today, with so many distractions, but if you learn to listen discernment gets a little easier, just a little ;)
2. Know the differences between cloistered and noncloiistered, Monastic, contemplative, active--- and all the varied combinations there-in. Once you know the differences, you can discern more thoroughly what type of orders you might feel more comfortable in.
3. IF you don't know about an order--- try it. Go to a discernment retreat, a come and see week, or arrange a visit on your own. Don't be afraid to ask questions and to make mistakes--- you aren't a sister/nun yet, all is forgiven.
4. If you still aren't sure that you have a call to the religious life. Date. I know this sounds counter productive, but like I said before, You will learn a lot about yourself and interpersonal skills, you will also get a taste for married life. Don't just date once and say okay, God I hated that, but date for at least a month--- and try not to think of religious life.
5. God is guiding and leading you. Just trust enough to let go of who you think you are and become who God truly wishes you to be!

I look forward to continuing this blog with you.
Prayers my dear friends, and I will write soon!

I am back!

     To my readers: I apologize for having been gone for so very long.

When I had entered with The School Sisters of St. Francis, I had to close down all of my social media sites, including tumblr, blogspot, and facebook. After, I left the convent (more on this story later) I quickly found a job as a live-in nanny for a family with 3 boys, 2 with Autism.
I worked with this family for 6 months before deciding that I need more time to discern where God is calling me. That job was close to 60 hours a week, barely enough time to sleep let alone pray. So, I returned back to my families home in Baltimore and was lucky enough to secure employment at a coffee shop--- YAY for having past experience as a barista!

I am now starting to discern religious life again, this time with a lot more fervor and a more definitve answer that "YES, I am called to religious life!"

Now to find my home on this earth!


Let the journey begin....Again.


God Bless You all!

Death to New Life

Ever since my acceptance I have been over-joyed...floating on  air, my desire to do as God has willed is finally coming true *tires screech* which means, wait a second... This means that I must die. Not physically die, but die of myself. What I have built up to be (worked my tail off is more like it), what others perceive of me, AND everything that I thought I might be. I literally have to create a new slate__erase EVERYTHING that I know now, and prepare myself to learn everything that will be thrown my way.

I had trouble with this at first, thinking,well you can still hold onto your life, you have pictures, you have plays, you have things that make you YOU...surely you can take some of those things with you when you enter.

I was slightly mistaken. I am only to bring those things that will better me as a Sister, those things that will help me to grow into my new life...my new identity. I must prepare myself for this death of self...and eagerly (yet patiently) wait for the birth of a new self. This is done yearly at lent, you let go of some vices in order to prepare your heart for the rising of Jesus, so that you may better understand his agony and the scourging that he had to go through. But to totally give up ones-self, for Him___ just takes your breathe away.

My Home!

The Shrine Daytime!

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The Shrine at night :D

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"Offer it up" ???

Life is very interesting these days. I am now an assistant 2nd grade Catechist at my parish AND am the Respect Life Co-ordinatoor (you email the archdiocese about one thing and you wind up having a title?). I am very excited about both of these things, quite excited about everything that is going on in my life...but something inside me seems off balance.

I often feel like hopping a plane and going to Texas, like right NOW--- part of me wishes I lived closer to my new home! It is so far away and so expensive to travel all willy nilly.  This past week, for some reason has been especially hard...and I am really having a hard time explaining or understanding this. When I think of how far way entrance is, I start to tear up (its a great amount of time for family and friends, but for me...sooo long) wishing it were next week! 

My God-daughter and I will visit in April, and even that seems too far away. I guess it's probably because I have wanted to be with God in this way  for so long, and I am finally close to having it but it will NEVER be close enough, well maybe if it were next week it would be! 

I guess I will just have to offer up my yearning and continue on with the patience that God has graced me with---as hard as it might be! 

God Bless You ALL!

Superstah---no more

Yesterday my beloved "Superstar" key chain broke in half...all the letter beads that formed the word fell to the ground.


I am convinced that this is a further sign of my vocation, I am no longer striving for personal attention from others--- I am striving to give attention to those who might need it :D

Also, while cleaning out my files--- I found papers. Remember those papers that I thought I had put away, but couldn't find while filling out the application? Yes, those papers, God has a sense of humor, that's for sure!

personal catechist?

A lot of interesting things happened this past week. None of which I am going to put into words. Sometimes events make you so over joyed or so exasperated that you can't even begin to think of the words, perhaps in another week it will make more sense and I will be able to write about it---until then I will keep you in the dark.




These are your seven deadly sins--- most people who are Catholic know them, and a lot of other Christian denominations do too.


I have taken on the project of being a personal catechist to my God-daughter. She has been asking about Penance and First Communion for a while now, and nothing has been done about it (she is in the 5th grade, went to public school the year this was supposed to happen). It is like pulling teeth though, she says she really wants this to happen but when it comes to projects and assignments, she just won't do it. "It's boring". Well my dear learning about your faith takes dedication and a little bit of work~


This will be a fun ride.

curious events continued...

That night, as I was getting ready for bed my God-daughter called me hysterically crying. I was in shock because she is like me and normally tries to hide her tears, but something was different. When I asked her why she was crying she said "Because I don't want you to be a nun". I was shocked, she had been so excitedwhen I first told her the news. She explained that she didn't think she would still be able to do  theatreand that she wouldn't be able to go to mass anymore (as I have been in charge in both these areas) Itold her that I am not becoming a nun, and explained to her the difference between a nun and sister, and toldher can call me and write to me, and that I promised when I came for home visits I would spend as muchtime as possible with her. She then told me "Are you Happy? If you are happy, i am happy for you, But,if you decide that this isn't what you want, and stay I will be happy then, too" I started crying, but hid thisfrom her. I feel as if I am abandoning her in a way, but at the same time, I feel this will be an extraordinaryexperience for her (perhaps as much as it will be for me). I told her that we would spend as much time as possible together before I leave in the summer (I haven't the heart to tell her I leave 2 days afterher birthday). And the 2 of us WILL make the most of  our time together. Guaranteed.


Sunday---


I arrived at my church early, as I started doing after the October retreat in Panhandle, to spend time with Jesus and in prayer. As I was praying, I saw the deacon watching me out of the corner of my eye, and he smiled at me. If you knew my deacon, you would know how interesting this is. 
      I had just sat back in the pew and he (the deacon) approached me saying..."you remember how you used to altar serve when you were a little one. Well, I might need a server for this mas---a test of your vocation, the holy spirit is open as am I...now all we need is you" 
I loved serving, and actually do miss it, so of course I said Yes... if it was needed. Which it turned out not to be. 

   This mass was the Rite of Entrance for our Confirmation Candidates. Beautiful to see all 15 of our youth state that they wish to be confirmed and the reasons why--They all WANT to be confirmed, that is the most spectacular thing!






I guess that wasn't so curious...but in any event, my weekend was full of up and downs, I am so glad it ended on an up note though!

Weekend of curious events...

Hello my LOVES!

This past weekend had some very exciting, and sometimes curious events involved. Let me elaborate.

On Friday I attend Eucharistic Adoration and the first Santo Nino novena mass (official feast is next Saturday the 15th), at my parish. It was a beautiful event, and I don't think I have seen so much beautiful dedication, as the Filipino community has brought to The Shrine. I somehow fell into the role of hospitality minister! I saw that the Sacristan (who is new) had placed the programs on the wrong table---I was on my way out to the vestibule when the Minister of Worship said "Oh, Thank You Crystal, we really need someone here tonight"-- I just went with it. One of the families volunteered their daughter to help out--she was amazing, started talking to me about the weather and what she was doing in school. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE KIDS?

After mass I headed out to dinner with a few friends and then we went to a karaoke bar! My friends signed me up for a few songs---which I still haven't paid them back for! They figured I must start getting my vices out so I sang Britney Spears, Madonna, and Dixie Chicks---granted I don't really listen to any of those artists on a regular basis! It was an over all beautiful and quiet evening. Enjoyable.

Saturday I spent the majority of the day cleaning and re-organizing. I am starting to whittle down my life, to 2 "maybe" boxes (in case something were to happen and I had to leave Panhandle (Heaven Forbid!)). I thought that this would be an easy task but alas NOT. I was bagging up books, stuffed animals, and clothes. I explained most of what happened in the post just before this one, so I don't feel the need to describe it all again. 

Here is a picture I found online of the porcelain doll I was talking about---something very special just happened. The sight I went onto to get the picture had "Memory" for CATS playing as the background music--This was/is our song! My Grandmother and I, that is.

Saturday evening my family took me out to dinner for my BIRTHDAY and to celebrate my acceptance. Avery nice night indeed. 

My Beloved

The Ultimate Surrender of LOVE

I DID IT!!

I have officially closed down my facebook. No more publicity for me! I will kind of miss promoting things that I have passion for, especially theatre. I suppose now though, I will promote the love of God through different ways---its a change in balance! That's all!

It was hard closing Facebook because of all the friends and people I have met. But, through a couple different conversations, I have found out that those so called "friends" are all mostly acquaintances. I mean, I knew that to one extent because girls from high school, whom I never really associated with added me...I have no clue why I added them, we never talked on Facebook either. I have written down some email address of those, whom I don't have and who I feel particularly inclined to at least TRY to stay in contact with. We shall see what happens once I enter.

Twitter, Plaxo, 4marks, and tumblr are also now non-existant. I actually feel a little freer and want to throw my cell phone in the harbor, too---BUT living in the city and doing so many things, is preventing me from doing this.... just yet.

Today I started whittling down my belongings, and getting rid of things I never use, or don't particularly need. I started to get nostalgic, which is most definitely something I need to go through. I started looking at my few stuffed toys that I have had since I was 2, and where they might end up---I hope Fievel makes another child very happy.
       Then I came to my mom's stuffed racoon, I don't have very many memories of her, or belongings for that matter...couldn't seem to give it away---My sister ought to keep it safe.

      Finally I came to my porcelain dolls! My grandmother started this collection when I was about 7 and I have quite a few. I know some will definitely go to my God-daughter (My beautiful FAITH doll...red hair and a golden dress and trumpet), and maybe a few to my sister. Then there is the doll my grandmother gave to me on my 16th Birthday.The last one she was alive for...Its a child holding up the "I Love You" sign in sign language---I am wondering now, how she knew I would be working with children who communicate through sign language? It's amazing how these things appear! I can't seem to think of where this doll should go...I have taken her everywhere! Camphill, a trip to Califiornia, Camphill School, she is like my safety net--a guardian angel of sorts. Perhaps I can bring her with me? I have yet. to ask this--- in time!

Something inside me started clicking though, like I would be willing to give up everything  to surrender myself to his will~!
To Be a Bride of Christ!! My friend found this picture yesterday and emailed it to me. I started tearing up when I saw it. How long have I longed to be His? and now its going to be a reality?! I am still almost in disbelief!

The Ultimate Surrender of LOVE!

a little bit of hesitation--no, not me.

My dear readers,

 I am starting to close out the technological part of my life---facebook, Plaxo, twitter, tumblr and 4 marks are the first things to go ---phasing out, by phasing out I mean will be gone this Saturday as of 8pm Eastern Time. Though this is hard for me as I have met SO many people from all over the world--Austria, Germany, Spain, Switzerland, Czech, Argentina, Brazil, South Korea--and this means having to lose those contacts. I guess this is a self-surrender in some aspect--- I am giving up the friends and acquaintances that I have grown accustomed to.

I have decided to keep this blog going up until entrance, as this Journey is only beginning--now, when i enter I won't be able to blog, which will be sad for many of you who followed me over from wordpress. But, thus is life--- a beautiful journey filled with sacrifice!

When something fills my soul with as much joy as Sancta Maria convent, and The School Sister's of St. Francis have done, nothing can be done to stop my conversion...from a play pushing, social networking wizard to a letter writing woman of joy! I am very excited for this journey to begin---guess it begins for real on Saturday!

Expect a post about events leading up to acceptance soon---for right now be well my readers and God Reward you for you are his precious gift!!

LOVE,
Sunny!

WOW

So, this is what it feels like to be engaged???


YES!! I have been accepted for entrance into The School Sister's of St.Francis- Panhandle, Texas. It has almost been 1 week since I received this news and I am still smiling all the time---and very eager to answer any and all questions that come my way.

Sadly, though, I am going to have to close this blog upon entrance---because one is expected to devote their whole being (body, mind, soul) to God and focus on him and Jesus whilst learning about the community and becoming part of community life!

I have yet another patience hurdle though, as they are still discussing possible entrance dates/times. Honestly, if they asked me to pick-up and leave tomorrow, I would! That is how much I long to be with Jesus, and how much I LOVE being in Sancta Maria convent. BUT alas, i don't have the option of choosing---

:D

Be well my loves, and I will try to write again this weekend...a more in depth story of my acceptance and what I have been doing since my last post.

Moments. Memories. Realization.

Right now I am overly surprised that I even want to blog.
I have been working diligently for about 3 days now on my Autobiography, which is needed for this beautiful application to the Panhandle Franciscans.

I really thought this application would be easier than the one for the Salesians, yeah I had a hard time, but I managed to get everything together rather quickly. This time its different. 
          I thought that I had put all the certificates, and things needed for the Salesian application, away, for the next time I applied to an order (see I internally knew there would be a next time). If I did do this, I must have found a wonderful hiding place because I can't find it anywhere. So I had to start from scratch on that, gathering my Communion and Confirmation certificates, birth certificate, etc. I have to wait until the first week of November before the church based certificates are able to be obtained, as the lady who is in charge of that is away on vacation. PATIENCE.
Then I thought I had the Autobiography already written, or at least most of it. I had a 5 page autobiography for the Salesians, that would have been a great starting point.
           But, No, that is not what God wanted. I believe he wanted me to start from scratch, act as if this is the ONLY religious community I have ever applied to, because it should be. So need less to say, I have started to write my Autobiography from the beginning, I am on page 8 so far and a Junior in high school.

Now onto some interesting realizations!
     While cleaning my room the other day I came across a key chain that I bought when I was 12. I thought that this key chain had been long gone. It is one that has St. Francis' quote "A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows."- i adopted this quote right away. This gets me to thinking, maybe God knew all along that I would become a Franciscan. I have always had compassion for every living thing, animals, trees, people alike, and I have always found creative ways to live the gospels in my everyday life, without ever quoting the bible (though Francis quoted the bible ALL the time). I AM A FRANCISCAN.

   
I guess this is all I can even fathom writing about. I have Autobiography on the brain. Please read tomorrow I will post more about the conversion I am experiencing right before my eyes!

ITS HERE!!

The APPLICATION HAS ARRIVED!!!


My day started off on a rocky start...bad mood, not feeling well--around 1pm I started feeling better and smiled. Just found out that the mail was delivered at that time


Talk about divine intervention!!

Convenient Conversion and Patience awaits

So I told you that I would write to you about this little tiny conversion that I experienced...well it could be interpreted as a conversion--to some it might not be one at all.

         I was riding in my friends car the other day. It actually happened to be SUNDAY. She was driving me home after I had spent the night over her house. We somehow got on the topic of me wanting to join a religious community. She was asking questions, that I would never have expected her to ask. Then I asked her a question: " When I recieve my habit, what will you think?", Will you be able to ride with me in a car, walk with me down the street?". She was silent for a second then she asked me how my God-daughter might feel, and how her boyfriend might feel...more silence. Then she started crying, I have never known her to be a particularly emotional person, so this surprised me--BUT NOT AS MUCH AS IT SURPRISED HER!Then she told me " I just pictured you walking down the street all in Black, and the tears just started coming". I smiled, and told her that I understood---my becoming a sister was coming closer to reality, and she was starting to realize it. Then she asked me "Why do you suppose I am crying? I have always been awkward around nuns that I see---like I try to avoid them, could this mean I am possessed, that I have some demonic influences?" I just sat there listening as she milled around her mind, for reasoning. Not only reasoning for the sudden tears that remained throughout the rest of our ride, but for reasoning of life in general. She turned to me and said "I NEED God in my life" I looked at her and smiled, she had told me this once before and had never acted upon the feeling. "No, really, I NEED God in my life, I think maybe I should go back to church" I nodded. Simply stating "Yes, going back to church would be wise decision, not just for you but for your girls." I went on to describe how her eldest daughter WANTS to go to mass, and that there is something in that statement. Her eldest is my God-daughter, I have taken her to mass with me a couple of times-she goes to a Catholic school so understands the importance and meaning behind it. My friend has since asked me if she could go to mass with me this coming Sunday---I told her OF COURSE...returning to something can be scary, and returning to God should be an experience filled with LOVE---which I willingly give!

I hope you have gotten something out of this experience...perhaps as much or more than I have. 

Now onto The Panhandle Franciscans::: No Application yet, checked with the USPS and they said it could take up to one calendar week (not including Sunday) for a letter to arrive from Amarillo, Tx to Baltimore...So thus the patience continues 

Just so ya know

Still haven't received the application...Practicing a whole new kind of Patience!


I had a phenomenal experience this morning...quite possibly a conversion of sorts. I am on my way out of the door for mass--but Promise return here this afternoon with more of the story. 


"God is LOVE and those who LIVE IN LOVE---LIVE IN GOD!" (John 4:16)- David Haas, song.







                          SMILE JESUS LOVES YOU!!

*SIGH*

As pre-told I am writing you after having been to Eucharistic Adoration and spending some quality time with Jesus. And I couldn't be happier. As soon as I entered I felt his presence and felt at peace. I prayed the rosary and then prayed for some recent lost causes that I have come in contact with. 
                        I felt guilty though because I could only really spend 30 minutes in his presence, as I had a pre-existing appointment :( but Jesus understands. For the remainder of my time with the Lord I meditated on the picture of THE SACRED HEART OF JESUS--one I often meditate upon

Doesn't this picture alone, make you want to fall instantly in Love? 


So when I returned home from my appointment--APPLICATION was the first thing that popped into my head, to my dismay the mail hasn't arrived yet, and really I don't expect to have it in my hands until Friday (SMM, if you are reading this...hmmm?). I took in a deep breathe and sighed! I have managed to gather most of the information needed for the application already, granted I am going off of what the Salesian's wished to include in their process. I still have to work on my biography, as it was saved on the hard-drive of my last computer that died not too long ago. Now I just have to rely on PATIENCE!
                        I started bawling soon after not seeing application...started thinking of my time in Panhandle (both times) and how I really truely do miss every second of time I have spent there, and how I wish I could have just stayed instead of returning to Baltimore. How after 2 visits Panhandle, Texas, and Sancta Maria Convent feel more like home than Baltimore....
Yeah all those feelings. The tears have since subsided, but there is still a yearning in my heart to be where God is calling me. All that's left to do is TRUST in God, and Trust in the postal service....oh 


and of course PRAY< LOVE> SMILE

Alive, Awake, Alert---enthusiastic

 So I know I am getting a little "Post" happy, but I want you all to know---the joy that I have found.


I am sad today. Everybody has days like this, so that shouldn't be a surprise. The reasoning behind my sadness is probably something that can be easily guessed. I woke up this morning chipper and ready to go, ready to start this wonderful day! BUT you see I, when first rising, thought that I was waking up in Panhandle...
I had one of the most beautiful dreams i can ever remember having. Yes, it involved Panhandle, and yes it involved The School Sisters. I don't remember the whole dream, so I won't even begin to relay it here and now.
Having had such a wondrous dream, and then waking up and realizing you aren't in the place you first thought, is quite disheartening, to say the least.
I am also sad because the people of Baltimore, make me sad, Child abuse lives around every corner, drug abuse layers on top of it. It's not that I have never seen these things before, au contraire, I have a close friend, in fact, who has fallen victim to drugs. Its not pretty, and definitely NOT happy. I also know that these things that I listed above, are not primarily Baltimore issues, which makes me even sadder--the state of the world :(

But all of those things aside. I am still joyful. I can't let my sadness seep into others.  Who knows, maybe the sadness will dissolve in an hour or so, working with beautiful children sometimes, does that...you know?

I will more than likely post later this evening---after I spend some quality time with Jesus at Eucharistic Adoration!

SMILE!  Mary guides you and Jesus Loves you!